A Plea For Help

I like writing on this blog. Few people know it exists, but it still satiates my need for disclosure and questions to the world and universe at large.

What I want most of all right now is the peaceful assurance that it will all work out. That I am nearing the end of my current trial and will be able to proceed from there. I know there are more trials ahead - even God weeps and suffers sorrow occasionally - but I need to move past this one.

It took years at Brigham Young University to come to the decision to teach Math. I had to get to know myself and what that means to me and others. I had to fight through depression, family trials, an inability to ask for what I need and more. I have overcome physical illness, mental illness and even spiritual illness over the past seven years here. Now it seems there is one more large struggle that must be fought and I find myself lacking in strength.

Just a summer's worth of bills - that's all that stands in the way. I have to pay for tuition, health insurance, car payments and mortgage payments. I need to have $2500 dollars for the birth of my fourth child by the next couple months. I most likely have to pay for a chunk of dental work, finishing a kitchen remodel (not for vanity, just safety), and buying clothes and things for my family.

In total, around $8000 - $9000 is all it would take. That's around four to five months of work for a $30,000 per year job (like teaching). But I am not a teacher yet and to get a high enough paying job would destroy my Spring term classes (April - June) and the two incompletes I am finishing up by August. I can't delay either of those.

My government loans are dry for the summer. Apparently I used my allotment up during the year. I tried for a private loan, but need a cosigner to finish it (and I still don't know how much it is worth). I have no rich relatives, nor really any close people with great credit to back me. It feels like we are pretty much on our own.

I am writing this to the universe and to myself because I am at a loss. I don't have many options (cosigner or other) that make even a shred of sense to me nor feel right. Is this my butler moment or is this my years of famine just building up. Am I out of resources and need to find help from some foreign source or is it just a passing word to a friend that is the final step to my freedom?

I guess it boils down to faith again because I am out of ideas. I tried the school, banks, private business (growing, but not there yet), and I have no more options I can think of. I am asking and praying that I might have both the direction I need and the courage to follow whatever I feel must be done. I know that is part of Joseph's legacy. He followed what he knew was right with Potiphar's wife, with telling Pharaoh about God and all he did. It works out in the end.

So, if somehow you are the "butler" or my guardian angel and you read this, now would be the right time to respond. If you just have a message, that's fine. Just let me know, because I've got nothing. Thanks.

Sometimes

I wonder if Joseph ever had those awful days. Obviously he had some that were fairly painful and tragic, but I mean more of the mental kind. You know, where you feel everything you do is a mistake and that you are more or less one continual screw up? No?

I do. Sometimes I am angry at the world and myself in equal proportions (that being for every person I'm angry at I am also angry at myself). Actually most of the time it's that way. Not only do I carry the feelings of betrayal or "righteous anger" that I feel justified in having, but then I also carry the guilt of having them and soon afterward I see all the flaws in myself too.

That part can take a few minutes. Sometimes I allow myself to stew in my mess for a time. It never helps, but I seem to derive some satisfaction out of it. Perhaps it's a morbid sense of justice where I have to punish myself for my negativity towards others. Or maybe it is the pained pleading of a wounded soul. Eh, who knows.

I don't see anywhere in the text that implies Joseph had that kind of nature. Maybe we can see he craved equal treatment from his accusal of his brothers over the "stolen" cup. But I don't think he sat and stewed over life. Not sure how he accomplished it, but I wish I did.

I know am not supposed to be perfect yet. God's plan is gradual progression, not instant Hollywood makeover. I just can't seem to find myself happy with where I am when I just seem to upset others. Guess I'll have to study some more of Joseph's life.