I don't know what to do. I have applied all the knowledge, tools and inspiration I have and still do not see the answer nor the next step. Everything in front of me looks as bleak as anything from behind and I am finally scared that I won't be able to make it.
Don't worry, this isn't a suicide message - just my feelings on how life is going right now. I feel confused and nearly alone. If it wasn't for the priesthood and my family I would feel completely alone. Nevertheless I am almost left to cry "My God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
Isn't that how Joseph felt, I suppose, while in prison and on the way to Egypt? The trip to Egypt must have been hard. He didn't know the people nor what lay ahead and once he was there he had to forge a new life on his own (with God's help). He worked so hard and so long to become Potiphar's head of house that he must have taken some pride in that accomplishment and felt he was on the way to where he needed to be.
Then Potiphar's wife got involved. She pursued him and called to him and beckoned to him. He was a man and so must have felt longings for affection - especially away from home and so young. Yet he did what he felt was right in the sight of God and spent nearly the next decade in a jail cell. How hard it must have seemed for him. Surely he was a man of God and prayed and put his faith in his maker, but I do not doubt he had his dark moment - his second or two of hopelessness. He just lost everything he had been working for and more in the bat of an eye.
Yet, it wasn't over. His trial did not end for years, to be certain, but their came a day when the prison doors were opened and the treasures of Egypt - including a wife, children, food, power, wealth, his family - became his. He spent his time in jail doing, again, what he felt was right. He treated others fairly and with kindness (winning over the guards) and his influence was felt by Pharaoh's servants in the interpretation of their dreams. He came out on top. It all worked out. It still, will all work out.
I guess I am just at the point of the story where everything is super hard and no one seems to be coming to my aid. I don't know if I've encountered my "butler" who'll open up the world for me or if I am still waiting for even that. I am reminded of the song from the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat," where he sings:
Close every door to me
Keep those I love from me
Children of Israel
Are never alone
For we know we shall find
Our own piece of mind
For we have been promised
A land of our ownI know things have a bright future on the horizon. I have been promised such a "land" to come. Even though I feel alone and scared and unsure of the future, I know the God in whom I have trusted. He will not leave to suffer in darkness needlessly nor forever. He will come to my aid.
Forgive my doubts Lord, for I am but a man. I know in time I shall be more like thee and ask that thy infinite patience might abide with me a while longer. Teach me, guide me and show me the way to be as your Only Begotten. I will trust in you.
