Sometimes

I wonder if Joseph ever had those awful days. Obviously he had some that were fairly painful and tragic, but I mean more of the mental kind. You know, where you feel everything you do is a mistake and that you are more or less one continual screw up? No?

I do. Sometimes I am angry at the world and myself in equal proportions (that being for every person I'm angry at I am also angry at myself). Actually most of the time it's that way. Not only do I carry the feelings of betrayal or "righteous anger" that I feel justified in having, but then I also carry the guilt of having them and soon afterward I see all the flaws in myself too.

That part can take a few minutes. Sometimes I allow myself to stew in my mess for a time. It never helps, but I seem to derive some satisfaction out of it. Perhaps it's a morbid sense of justice where I have to punish myself for my negativity towards others. Or maybe it is the pained pleading of a wounded soul. Eh, who knows.

I don't see anywhere in the text that implies Joseph had that kind of nature. Maybe we can see he craved equal treatment from his accusal of his brothers over the "stolen" cup. But I don't think he sat and stewed over life. Not sure how he accomplished it, but I wish I did.

I know am not supposed to be perfect yet. God's plan is gradual progression, not instant Hollywood makeover. I just can't seem to find myself happy with where I am when I just seem to upset others. Guess I'll have to study some more of Joseph's life.